


to belong.

by hyzkoa



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 17:56:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13575894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyzkoa/pseuds/hyzkoa
Summary: He who's forsaken his present and future to put the pieces of his past back together; for their sake, it's all for their sake. He's forsaken any chance to recover the happiness stolen from him as he became part of what he hates the most, yet he still longs for a place to belong.





	to belong.

**Author's Note:**

> hey uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i love togashi n all the characters he created. i love kurapika

What was he doing here?

Well, he had a vague idea. An idea that was just a façade of the real reason; loneliness translated into needing somewhere – someone to let steam off. _I’m just stressed_ , he’d tell himself with every step he took forward, knowing full well that it was probably one of the worst idea he’s had. Not because it’d be bad for him – maybe he feared it would be, that the other would know too much and that his plans would go against him . . . no, he knew how to manipulate, he wouldn’t let it turn against him – but because he knew he didn’t deserve being there, seeing him, hearing his voice when the only thing he’s been doing was avoiding _that_. After all, if you took a look at his phone call’s history you’d see that with every two or three work calls he made, there were three more unanswered from Leorio in between.

Letting the phone ring when he saw his name in the caller ID became the usual reaction to someone that considered him a close friend. And though he had no reason to think of Leorio as but that, he’d let the ring of the phone pierce through his ears, hanging up when the aspiring doctor’s persistence and patience became a little too much.

He wondered if Leorio hated the phone beeping on his side as he waited for him to pick up, as much as Kurapika hated to hear the phone ring.

He walked into the hospital, a patient in crutches walking past him as the automatic doors opened.

The sensation of feeling out of place spiked enough to make him hesitate. The people . . . the scum he’s met with in order to retrieve the eyes of his family, some of them could have probably ended here; bleeding as they are sent to the emergency room, a shred of mercy acting as the only thing that kept them alive that long. And if that had been the road he chose to go down in, he wouldn’t have felt any regret for what he would’ve destroyed, for if the payback was in destruction they would never be able to give back what they’ve done to his clan . . . what he’s done to himself.

Kurapika shakes his head. It was no time to think about how things could’ve been. Whether letting his rage take ahold of him was a better decision than to internalize it was a subject for another day, sitting among the eyes of his family. He had chosen to be more decent than any of the scum he dealt and lived with in his day to day life, and in exchange it felt like that took away something vital about him as every night he felt more exhausted than the previous one. He wouldn’t give himself time to ask how would he make it to the morning, or how would he face another day, as he couldn’t afford the luxury of hesitating in his journey.

He made a beeline to the reception, waiting behind the last woman in the shortest line. A busy day, it seemed. Though, he doubted there wasn’t a ‘busy day’ for anyone in the staff.

It wasn’t surprising at all that out of all the health facilities he had researched, Leorio seemed to had chosen the smallest one in the biggest zone that lacked proper healthcare. He assumed that at this point, Leorio should be doing internships, and to have found out that it was in such a place that lacked the privileges and commodities that other students would look for in larger city hospitals with better a budget was just _so like Leorio_. It made the corner of his lips twitch upward in a small smile, having memories of his first impression of Leorio in the hunter exam.

‘Money can buy anything, even people’s lives’, he yelled and without noticing the taller one was tearing up, Kurapika had taken it as an offense to the tragedy of the Kurta.

That was just a crude way of wording his world view, it was even more transparent if you had a list of all the possible choices, only to find him in the one that’d be ‘less appealing’ to those who seek for recommendations. But, from what he could see, a week alone should put the man’s work experience off the roof.

Kurapika was in front of the receptionist now. Fingers pressed against the clipboard offered to him, digits numb to the cold of the paper as what felt like a lifetime carrying nen-made chains on that same hand had gotten him used to the constant chilly temperature of said chains. He pushed the clipboard back, deciding to ignore the act as a reflex of the receptionist rather than an indirect commentary on his appearance.

He knew he looked bad. He felt bad. Sick, even. But he doubted this was something that could be fixed. Not when he lived his life without a care for what was broken inside himself.

“I’m looking for someone. An intern. Leorio Paladiknight.” Straight to the point, avoiding to take much of their time, for people with bigger needs were waiting in line behind him. The coughs of a child on his back, carried in the arms of their mother, didn’t faze him.

The woman behind the counter seemed to want to get done with it as fast as possible as well, asking no questions of the dead-eyed blonde man in a tuxedo at the poorest facility in miles. She gave him two words and disregarded him; _urgent care_.

It wasn’t difficult to spot him. One reason being his height, as he was taller than the rest of the nurses and patients in the room, and another one being how his voice managed to stick out from the crowd, even if it wasn’t especially loud – not in that moment, at least. He didn’t approach him, not yet. Whatever it was that Kurapika needed could wait, he wouldn’t get in the way of Leorio and his patients.

* * *

 

That familiar voice grew closer, louder and it almost startled Kurapika, who had been staring off into the nothingness (a lot of kids probably got freaked out about that). He looked up from his seat in the right time to see Leorio walk out to the hallway with a patient, the words slipping out of Kurapika’s grasp. He seemed to feel dizzy; he wondered briefly if he caught any illness from carelessly hanging around without protection, but he quickly discarded that once he remembered he had skipped breakfast for _work_ reasons – let’s ignore that he definitely had changed what should be his normal routine to a chaotic one where he constantly skipped meals as if he didn’t need them.

He placed his right hand on his face, inhaling slowly. The conversation became less muffled, Leorio was now bidding them goodbye, cracking a joke along with his warnings for the patient, who found the jest awkward at best as they forced out a chuckle out of politeness whilst Leorio laughed shamelessly.

Kurapika looked up again, this time between long blonde locks overshadowing his face and his fingers, seeing Leorio with his back turned to him a few feet away, scratching the back of his head once his patient left.  He opened his mouth, but he was unable to call out for his name. He choked on the single word instead, pressing lips together into a line.

He didn’t feel well.

But that was something he was used to, so he forced himself to his feet, not moving until he felt like he wouldn’t lose his balance in the next step. He would’ve called out to him, if he hadn’t turned around already, facing him and freezing on spot.

Now that he could see him properly and not just his back, he noticed he didn’t have his usual glasses on. So he had to be working to throw away that get up of his.

“Kurapika…”

He caught him off guard, obviously.

Time seemed to fast forward – or rather, it seemed to have glitched as Leorio suddenly was in front of him, the distance between them disappearing in a blink.

He had taken that next step, but the time blackness had covered his sight was long enough to be a blink, so to hear Leorio’s voice so suddenly in the spam of what had been a second for him was unsettling. His eyes widened, darkness dissipating for Leorio’s face to break through.

“I’m fine.” He managed to choke out, almost automatically. The words rolled easily off his tongue even when a tiny part of him, muffled by the rest of his consciousness, knew that wasn’t true. His sight became clearer, his senses came back to him; he wasn’t standing up anymore but sitting. Leorio must’ve run to him to catch him, and for what it looks like by the tiny flashlight in his hand, he was about to start giving him the whole medical checkup. “ _I’m fine._ ”

His left hand gripping Leorio’s wrist came too natural, his body still working on autopilot; filing this along with the other times it had given up in front of people he pretended to trust. But his grip loosened upon realizing his actions.

“As fine as someone who just fainted in front of me can be.” Leorio didn’t push further and shoved the pen flashlight in his pocket, still observing Kurapika deeply, while crouching in front of him, as if to diagnose him with just his eyes. “I didn’t expect that to be how you say ‘hello, it’s been a while’ now. You totally scared me!”

Kurapika sighed, looking away from the nurse’s fixed stare.

Silence fell between them, none of them really attempting to break it for a while. Leorio kept looking at him, while Kurapika blatantly avoided meeting those eyes. It was like this for everything, really. Leorio told him to calm down, he didn’t. Leorio called out his reckless behavior, he wouldn’t pay attention. Leorio called him, Kurapika let the phone ring.

People walked past them, casting brief puzzled glances at the odd, silent pair. Leorio wouldn’t budge, neither would he. How childish.

If it had been a competition to see which one of them was more stubborn, he definitely would’ve won. He would’ve won by a landslide just by the mere history of his behavior in the times when he needed to be rational the most. Leorio broke the silence with a question, his voice calm and understanding.

“Can you walk?”

“Of course,” was Kurapika’s immediate answer, almost offended that he doubted he could perform something so simple, even if said doubt was totally justified. Leorio gave him space, standing up and stepping back, giving Kurapika time to follow him.

To Kurapika’s luck, he didn’t faint this time.

The scenery changed, although not that much as he took into consideration that in a zone such as this one, almost anything would have the same worn out aspect, even the few cars parked in the small, improvised parking lot of the hospital. The empty territory seemed to be owned by no one, or whatever construction was supposed to take place there had never even gotten started for a numerous of factors that Kurapika didn’t bother to consider; the fact that an earthy land with bad herbs sticking out between cars parked anywhere as there wasn’t any marking in the sand to follow was even more evidence added to the fact that this zone was overlooked by anyone in power, by anyone that should control it. Yet somehow it didn’t look submerged in chaos as other places Kurapika had been to.

Leorio stops under a tree that offers shelter from the sun. He begins the small talk that would’ve happened inside the hospital had Kurapika not fainted.

“Long time no see. I already lost count how long has it been, actually.” By the length of Kurapika’s hair he could probably calculate an estimate.

“Yeah.” The blonde’s reply wasn’t too enthusiastic.

Leorio seemed to want to ask something, but wasn’t sure how to word it. He looks around and scratches the back of his head. He clicks his tongue and makes an exasperated noise; Kurapika knew this was a frustration from Leorio to Leorio, a frustration aimed at his own awkwardness. He must see this meeting as miraculous, as something fleeting that could very well only happen once and thus, he must appreciate it. He mustn’t waste it. “Damn, it’s really been a while.” Leorio repeats himself. “And you’ve been ignoring my calls, too.” _There it is._ “Something great must’ve happened if you came here yourself instead of, you know, calling back.”

Something must’ve happened. Something of importance. Why did he come again? He had no reason and saying ‘I just wanted to see you’ sounded wrong in every way; not only did it sound extremely uncharacteristic for him but, as he mentioned, he’ s been ignoring Leorio’s calls. He didn’t have a right to be so selfish as to say that.

Kurapika shook his head. “You really fit in this place.”

“Huh?”

Given the state of their surroundings, he clarified; “A place to selflessly help other people in need with no discrimination. It fits you. I couldn’t have expected anything else from you.”

Leorio scratched the back of his head, his eyes averting, almost embarrassed at the sudden compliment. “Well… It’s not in the best conditions, but it’s a good place with good people. Though, that really wasn’t enough to convince a lot interns to join me. The world is money, after all.” It was too easy to picture the image of Leorio with his fellow med students; Leorio trying to convince people that had pursued this career with the money of their families rather than with a license won at the cost of risking his life. The difference in their drives, motivations and ideals couldn’t have been any more different, but Leorio wasn’t cynical enough as to regard them with indifference for gaining what he had chased for without any struggle, which only ended in sourer terms as he tried to convince people who were already lost in privilege to begin with. “Two joined me, one left after being overworked and the other one has been close to reaching her limits lately, but I’ve been helping her with the workload. All the other rich kids at better installments are missing out on so many things. The number of patients may be overwhelming, but I feel like I’ve learnt so much in such a short time. I doubt the others can say the same in their expensive hospitals where barely anyone can afford the treatment. I don’t belong there.”

“You belong here.”

A place to belong; Leorio’s was here, Kurapika’s was nowhere.

He could see the other’s mouth opening to continue talking, yet the words didn’t reach him. He was lost in his thoughts, yet there was nothing in his head. Nothing more than the place he belonged to, but had lost. The friends he had made, but had pushed away. And the things he had done to recover the past that made him almost unable to look at the present.

The present, Gon and Killua, and the man that stood before him.

Leorio.

At this rate…

“… The place I belong to is a grave.”

 “What’s gotten into you?!”

That was a good question, and there were many ways he could answer it . . . but right now, he really didn’t care about that. He wasn’t thinking, he had stopped thinking rationally the moment he thought coming here was a good idea; the moment that coming here had become an idea at all. Leorio had inched closer, his hands on Kurapika’s shoulders as the blood stood between him and the wall behind them.

He lost himself in the silence of his mind, finding a strange but familiar feeling of peace. He closed his eyes, drowning in it, indulging his body in those few seconds of calm that had almost become a myth in his life. It was like a fountain, the sound of water dropping around him deafening the sounds of the cruel world around him, the look of the crystalline pure water and its touch against his skin relaxing him for once; and he indulged his body in it; he pressed his lips against it. He pressed his lips against Leorio’s.

It was rough, he made it rough. His hands clutched onto the other’s shirt as he could, for Leorio’s hands stayed put squeezing his shoulders. He had begun to kiss back, but the gentle nature had clashed with Kurapika’s roughness; the intern pulled always, so that façade of bliss didn’t last too long.

He didn’t have a place to belong, not even amongst the purity of water.

The silence became a cacophony.

“ _What’s gotted into you?_ ”

A hand clung onto Leorio’s shirt, his fingers digging into the cloth, desperate. Leorio’s voice, while loud, still lingered with care. His brows frowned, but his eyes looking at him with worry. And Kurapika’s voice was the opposite; cold and distance, just like his eyes. Despite his actions, no familiarity existed between them in those eyes.

They had always been opposites.

“I don’t know.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments are a writers best friend


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